Definition of a joke /jōk/: (n) Cindy’s previous dating history.
hahaha, just kidding, but seriously…
Let me give you a little insight into the types of boys I would typically be drawn to: the ‘bad boys’, the emotionally unavailable, the guys who “just aren’t ready for a relationship right now”, the boys who just weren’t that into me..
Why, you might ask, did I not give a chance to the boys who possessed all of the ideal qualities of a perfect boyfriend?
Before even getting to know these ‘nice guys’, I would automatically blame the absence of attraction. I think what it honestly came down to was that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.
I wasn’t ready to give all of myself to someone, so I would subconsciously search for the ‘bad boys’ who didn’t want true relationships in the first place. Therefore, when things were to end, I would’ve already expected that to happen, so it was ‘no big deal’..
When it comes to almost starting a relationship I constantly find myself trying to self-sabotage it. I want to find any little nitpicky reason to tell myself to go ahead and end the relationship. These negligible reasons are usually by no means noteworthy enough to end a relationship but I proceed anyway. I try to cut ties with the person over insignificant details because the sooner the relationship ends, the less it will hurt.
I guess it’s a mixture between my fear of losing control and my fear of vulnerability that makes me resist healthy relationships.
Of course it will still hurt when these superficial relationships end. However, it’s more manageable. I don’t entirely lose control and am not fully vulnerable because I never allowed myself to completely fall for this person in the first place.
By closing myself off and keeping my wall up, I can protect myself from getting hurt emotionally. It’s ironic but in a sense, I almost feel safer when getting myself involved with these unhealthy relationships.
I was scared of the thought of being truly loved by someone else because I felt like I’m not really worthy of it. I’m terrified of the thought of someone having even a small glimpse at all of my flaws, faults, and imperfections that I deliberately try my best to conceal from the world every day. How could someone possibly want to love me when I personally struggle to fully love myself?
My mind finally registered that my underlying issue was my own self-worth. I had to learn to love myself before I allowed others to love me.
As I’m slowly working on accepting myself, imperfections and all, I’m becoming more open to the idea of love & a wholesome relationship. How truly exciting it is, the thought of having someone who sincerely loves you & your faults, to walk alongside this journey we call life with.