When it comes to being confident in myself, I’ve come a long way but believe me when I say I’ve still got a ways to go.
I’ve come a long way in the sense that I no longer need others’ approvals & I no longer try to mold myself into something that I am not just to appease others. Especially boys. Frat boys.
Actually, this one frat boy in particular..
I feel like a lot (not all, but a lot) of the guys in fraternities were the outcasts in high school but when they come together in college, they feel indestructible.
They peak in college.
Other guys want to be them. Girls want to be with them.
But they can only hide behind this persona for so long.
I remember back in college, there was this one boy I was really interested in & I honestly don’t know what it was about him that I liked so much. (To my friends: you know who he is, LOL). He was in a fraternity. He couldn’t really hold a conversation, or he didn’t care to. He was kinda dorky. Very childish. In his own world.
He was tall. Kinda skinny. He was cute, and back when I lived for the validation from my friends, nothing felt better than hearing them agree.
At that time, I thought I really liked him, but he didn’t have any interest in me unless it was just to hook-up. I could not have meant any less to him as a human being honestly. He made me question my self-worth. But you know what, I allowed it because of my own insecurities. In my mind, any attention from him was better than none. It was sad.
Anyway, I remember at most of their parties, by the end of the night, he would always manage to kind of disconnect himself from the parties and he would seem so deep in his own thoughts. Like behind that facade of being this crazy-partier-frat-boy, he was just really sad.
I remember telling my mom about a particular moment at a day party where I saw him sitting by himself just looking out over the balcony. He didn’t seem like he was in the best state of mind mentally. But then again, he never really did.
I told her that I really wished he would let me help him. And the words that left my mother’s mouth slapped me straight into reality. She said ‘how can you expect to help him when you haven’t helped yourself?‘ She was right. But my own struggles are a whole other story for another time.
Though my battles may have differed from his, I could almost feel(?) what he felt in those moments when he was lost in his own rumination. And maybe it’s the empathic nature in me but my heart would break for him when I would notice him slipping into his thoughts.
And perhaps that was why I found myself so drawn to him? Because I could relate. I saw myself in him in his vulnerable moments. I knew what it felt like to be sad, to be confused, to be unsure, to not know what the purpose of my life was; so maybe we could figure this out together?
But I know now that he had issues that he personally needed to deal with by himself.
I saw him once more after college. After I had moved on & started my new life in California. I was back in town visiting my family. He asked me out on a date, which was odd. He never once invited me to go anywhere unless it was to go back to his place at 2AM after one of his fraternity parties.
I agreed to go out with him. College Cindy would be jumping for joy knowing that this boy finally asked me out on an actual date. Post-college Cindy was a little confused, but intrigued. I still wasn’t fully over him even after all of this time, so why not?
We actually got to talking on this date. We talked about how life after college was for him. How life in California was for me. We talked about traveling. Family. Life.
Then in the middle of conversation, it ultimately hit me: he never once tried to get to know me back in college. If anything, he solely wanted to get to know the physical aspect of me. We actually never once engaged in genuine conversation. Coming to this realization really hurt. It hurts to know that to him, there was nothing more to me than the physical.
But with this truth, I was, for once in my life, set free. I was able to say that I was completely over him and sincerely mean it.
And that felt so good.
That chapter of my life is over now.
He still reaches out to me every once in a while. Asks if I’m ever in town.
I’ll get that text message and the emotions I once attached to his name are no longer present.
It’s funny how things change over time.