Hi beautiful friends!!
I honestly don’t know where to begin or where I plan on going with this post. I’ve had so much on my mind & I guess I’m just trying to process it all.
You know when you scribble on a piece of paper to try and get the ink out of the pen, and there’s just a bunch of chicken scratch on the paper? My mind feels like that. A jumbled-up mess. There’s a lot I’ve wanted to write about, so many ideas, a variety of topics. I had a plan to write, & write, & write even more while on my 2 week break to Minnesota.
I didn’t write one post. Not a single post.
Writing had become almost a type of salubrious therapy for me. Being able to write down everything that was crossing my mind helped me with the attempt to understand my own thoughts, that at times, were almost too much for me to manage.
Isn’t that strange. The idea that at times, it is almost too much for me to manage my own thoughts.
Despite the restorative power that writing had appeared to grant me, I couldn’t muster up the energy to write a single post. I just couldn’t find the motivation to write, a hobby that I had grown to love, no matter how hard I tried searching for it.
I’ve had a lot on my mind. And with no outlet for me to release these thoughts, I’ve been feeling apprehensive. Anxious. Uneasy. To the point where these thoughts have manifested itself into physical illness. Despite not experiencing any significant stress, or any stress at all for that matter, I was sick the entire two weeks I was supposedly “taking a break”.
I experienced heart palpitations. To be completely transparent here, this honestly terrified me. My heart was beating so fast and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I wanted to cry but was unsure as to why.
There were days where I skipped out on eating just to lay in my bed and sleep. I wouldn’t even leave my room to see my family and the guilt would engulf me.
It’s ironic because this is the field that I work in. I specialize in this. I help my patients treat their anxiety & depression yet here I am occasionally finding myself experiencing a little bit of this here and there.
I’m a big advocate for people reaching out & getting help for their mental health but when it comes to myself, I try to push it aside and tell myself that I don’t need help? That it’s no big deal; that I can figure this all out on my own?
I try to be “strong”, but I get to the point where I’m just so physically and emotionally exhausted. On a daily basis I have to put up this front that I’m always feeling the best. My patients have told me on a number of occasions that they love my smile. How they look forward to it because it brightens their day. That they love how happy & bubbly I always am, so how could I possibly express that hey, you know what, I’m not feeling my best today..
How I present myself on social media runs along the same lines.
And I think this all goes back to my issue with perfectionism. My all-or-nothing mindset. Where if things aren’t perfect then it’s classified as a failure. I have this intense fear of failure that I continue to strive for this illusion of perfection that is so far beyond my reach. And even when it came to my writing, something that was supposed to be therapeutic for me, I found myself stressing over blogging & hesitant to publish my posts unless everything was as close to perfection as I could possibly get it to be.
I just began to feel so drained.
So I went to Minnesota because I needed a break. I just didn’t know how I could continue to do this.
I was overwhelmed.
In Minnesota, I thought I could maybe write down my thoughts and somehow figure everything out. It didn’t work out as planned but it was incredibly refreshing to be able to spend time with the people I love most for two weeks. It almost felt like not enough time.
And in regards to how I’m learning to manage my thoughts now, I’ve gradually eased myself back into using this platform and have been reminding myself to strive for personal growth & improvement instead of perfection.