Recently I’ve spent a lot time thinking. Like a whole bunch of thinking. Like a substantial amount of just, I guess, reflecting.
I’ve stated this before in my post about loneliness, but I still find it to be true: our conversations nowadays are built on a foundation of superficial small talk, lacking authenticity, depth, & meaning.
With my mind being consumed with these deeper reflections, I can’t help but feel unfulfilled when engaging in these surface conversations.
Sometimes I wish I had someone who understood what went on in my mind.
I find myself searching for answers to questions that just can’t quite be answered. And as I continue to seek out these answers that are no where to be found, the only word that comes to mind in terms of how I feel is: uncomfortable.
I question the meaning of it all. ‘It’ being life. Why were we put on this earth? Do we have a purpose? If so, what is my purpose? Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I currently where I’m supposed to be?
I’m not scared of death per say but I do think about death and what happens after death. I’ve lost two people in my life and I guess you could say these experiences played a role as catalysts to this ‘existential crisis’ I seem to find myself in at times. It’s more curiosity than a crisis, I’d say.
It just doesn’t make any sense to me how one day, these people, or any other person for that matter, could just not be here anymore? One day they were present in my life and they’re gone the next. Is there an afterlife for them to run off to? Where does their ‘consciousness’ go?
The deeper I delve into these thoughts, the more my head hurts. I just can’t seem to find these answers that I’m seeking and I’m afraid I never will be able to.
There is such a transient essence to this one life that we are given. Everything is temporary, and nothing is definite.
This gets me to thinking: if nothing lasts forever, is there even a meaning to anything at all?
I’ve talked to my mom about this topic numerous of times, and every single time without fail, she reminds me that I need to take a step back and seek God. She’s right. I know she’s completely right, but yet I continue on this journey alone to try & figure it out by myself.
I try not to get too lost in my thoughts regarding these deeper reflections of life because I know it does nothing but cause me angst. But at times, I just can’t seem to help it..? I just can’t help but to feel like there has got to be so much more to our lives than just the physical, you know?