It ended over 9 months ago. My previous ‘relationship’ that is.
The way things ended might seem quite strange but it’s nothing out of the ordinary for me actually. There wasn’t really a clear-cut solid ending. We kind of just drifted apart, our conversations faded, and we stopped putting effort into seeing one another.
So why is it that I sometimes find myself ruminating about him every so often?
The relationship was unhealthy and I saw no future, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t ponder the idea of it. It’s not that I want to get back with him. I ruminate on the possibilities of what could have been and the potential experiences that we could have had together.
He was older. Successful. Charming. The life he led… exciting. The experiences he opened my eyes up to were unlike any other.
He was several years my senior but when we were together I saw no age difference. We were goofy. We were silly. Nothing else mattered in that moment.
I sometimes find myself checking my phone in hopes that maybe, just maybe, he would reach out..
It’s been a couple months since I’ve written this.
He reached out.
Asked how I was doing, wondered what I’ve been up to, uttered the words ‘I miss you‘.
Though it had been a few months since we had last spoke, my heart nonetheless skipped a beat when I saw his name light up on my phone.
Initially, excitement rushed over me. All of the memories I’d pushed away flooded back with just one text message.
However, this time was different.
I didn’t miss him.
I’ve had time to think about
I’ve had time to think about what I wanted.
And as it turns out, what I wanted wasn’t
I’m still trying to figure out who I am & who I want to be. I’m still trying to be more secure in the person that I am, but back when I was seeing him, I really did not know.
I had just graduated University, living in a completely foreign place with no solid support system, figuring life out on my own…
I recognized that I was subconsciously trying to mold myself into the person that he is instead of the person that I truly am.
I began to convince myself that I no longer loved the pastimes I once adored & instead replaced them with the activities that he enjoyed.
The thing is..
I didn’t know how to find myself so I tried to find it within him.
In the process of trying to figure out who I am, I instead, lost myself. Oh the irony.
When we stopped talking, I no longer prioritized him.
I finally prioritized myself and put my needs first.
With all of the time I had to focus on me, I was able to explore. I had time to experiment, discover, & try new things that I’ve been wanting to do. The things I’ve set aside because it wouldn’t have been something he would’ve been interested in.
I’m still on the path of self-discovery. It’s a scary journey to embark on alone and I think that’s why I wanted so badly to hold onto the idea of him.
Because in what I had viewed as a world of instability, he provided me with a false sense of security.