Feeling Uncertain

Hi Friends,

You know that feeling when you’re about to already, let’s say, finish a chore, but then someone tells you to do it, which leaves you no longer wanting to do it? That’s currently how I feel about staying in my house during this coronavirus pandemic.

The only words I can find to somewhat describe how I feel is: confined. Stuck. But even those words can’t fully express how I’m feeling.

I feel off & I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m so grateful to be able to quarantine with my family. I can’t imagine how I’d be able to survive quarantining by myself. As much as I love my alone time, I just don’t think being in isolation by yourself with just your thoughts for such a long period of time would be all that great for your mental health.

This quarantine has brought with it a variety of emotions and I can’t say they’ve been the best.

I notice somedays that I feel confused, a little more irritated, hopeless, or lost.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have my own personal space to run away to when I feel like I need to be by myself. Also the space here is very constricted, there’s just stuff everywhere. So much stuff. Clutter. I feel almost claustrophobic.

I want to declutter and get rid of stuff, but it’s not my stuff to throw out. I’ve come to recognize that clutter and feeling enclosed reinforces my angst and uneasiness.

Besides the physical challenges, I felt lost without my daily routine. My mind felt chaotic with the endless rumination.

To help combat this, I make sure to take at least an hour long walk to enjoy nature & not feel so confined. I’ll listen to an audiobook or some comedic podcasts to make me feel better.

This feeling comes in waves. Some days are easier than others.

A big part of the issue for me was not knowing what to do with all of this free time. It meant more time to be lost in my thoughts. I tried to remain asleep for as long as I possibly could, almost as a way to escape it.

There are still days where I don’t want to get out from under the covers, and I have no interest in talking to the people I love the most. Then I start to feel guilty for not spending quality time with loved ones, which makes me more upset at myself. It’s an unhealthy cycle.

I try to remind myself when I go through the arduous moments that it’s okay to feel upset and anxious at times. The coronavirus pandemic is a confusing time for everyone.

It’s gotten better now that I found ways to pass the time. I’m learning new skills (you can learn anything on youtube nowadays), reading for fun (I’ve been meaning to get back to this), and starting to study for the GRE (something I’ve been putting off).

What better time than now to get started on the things you kept telling yourself you would do “if only you had the time”?

Stay safe friends, and stay home. 

Cindy

 

 

 

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